Der Doppelgänger
by Tallemy
Summary: Secretly stolen unmeaningful kisses were nothing, but a way to spend his boring hour while he kept an eye on Tenma. But this innocent sin demanded an eternal punishment. [SaruTen]


_This is more like a drabble than an actual story. I wanted to get into shape again. The poem I used as intermission is called "Der Doppelgänger" from Heinrich Heine. It has two English translations. Both have a lot of good lines, but I recommend the newer version, what can be found in Persona 2:IS. [chthonian.n e t (/)persona/tsumi/_faqs/_ ._

_The music I used as bgm was "fall" composed by ZTS and the main theme from FFXIII._

_And in case you were wondering, the story sets place around when they're still on the Earth in Galaxy._

_Ladies and gentlemen, a fic._**  
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_"Still ist die Nacht, es ruhen die Gassen,  
In diesem Hause wohnte mein Schatz;"_

First, he just wanted to see if Tenma was all right after their confrontation in his time. To monitor him, since Tenma had used mixitrance way too many times. Now it had the risk of changing his body, speeding up the appearance of Second Stage genes. It was like watching over some kind of guinea pig, what served no purpose for him.

But soon enough, Saryuu started to get attached to the subject of research.

He already knew everything about the said subject. From Tenma's birth, his story, the events of his life and eventually reaching the cause of death. Soon, mere interest evolved into something deeper. He said it was just attachment. From the outer perspective it was more like a twisted obsession with the past. But in contrast of bland professors who couldn't leave their computers alone for a moment, Saryuu had the chance to experience it at first hand. It meant more than just a data on paper.

It, no, Tenma became a part of his reality.

Even if he could silently follow the boy, he'd chosen to visit Tenma at night, when he could disappear without any trace if the boy woke up, noticing the intruder and things got out of hand. Probably he would question his actions and freak out. That's what Saryuu wanted to avoid at all cost.

But did he really want to disappear if such accident happened? Saryuu highly doubted. As he watched Tenma every night, a serene peace found way to his heart, leaving a hollow pain as he returned to his time an hour later. There was no way he would just escape from the short-living blissful feeling.

Talking with Tenma would've been a nice pace of change instead of the monotone nights, spent in full silence. The boy's enthusiasm was really something Saryuu would gladly borrow for a day and he started to miss it from their 'meetings'. He was afraid that those honest smiles were imprinted into his memory will eventually fade away. That smile so free from problems. So cheerful.

_Living without any care in the world._

He hoped Tenma will write a book titled "How to be a happy idiot" because he will absolutely need that when he returns home, especially when El Dorado ran lengthy tests on the former SS kids in case the remedy didn't work and their bodies showed abnormal symptoms of rejecting the treatment. After all it happened once and the powerless uncertainty slowly started suffocating them.

Of course Saryuu would've done anything to get out of that building, so when the first rumours started spreading about looking after the members of Raimon who frequently used mixitrance, he was the first to sing up on that damned list.

The monitoring business started off with Saryuu sitting a good metre away from Tenma's bed, but sitting 'alone' in the darkness started to be annoying after a while. By the time he realized he was looking around the room.

Reading the boy's books, eating from the bag of candies Tenma left on his desk (this brand was discontinued in the future), sometimes correcting a few infuriatingly easy homework in the small notebooks Tenma'd left open, before he went to bed. Everything was fine until he copied the boy's handwriting perfectly and used the same pen. After all he was good in imitating the same style of messy writing.

But it started to get boring when he understood the method behind the calculations and of course, he couldn't write the essays instead of Tenma. That would cause suspicion never speaking about meddling with the timelines too much.

Soon, he went back to his routine of playing sentinel.

Envy rose in his heart as he watched the sleeping face. He wished he could live a simple and idyllic life like Tenma did. Where there were no tests, scientists running around to get their blood samples. No one would think of him as a freak. And so this envy changed through mixing with various feelings and soon enough his attention and thoughts were filled with his ancestor.

"_Mir graust es, wenn ich sein Antlitz sehe -  
Der Mond zeigt mir meine eigne Gestalt."_

Because Tenma was like a doppelgänger. A copy of him, living in a happier world, having everything Saryuu could never obtain. He should've felt anger towards him, but he was far too clever to fall into the trap of blind rage, when Tenma had nothing to do with the circumstances they had to live in.

It was simply a coincidence.

He believed in the theory, desperately clung to it and eventually his grudge was replaced.

He kept replaying the times when they played soccer together, talked and even the times when he was about to break Tenma's bones through a match. Memories reminding him, how it felt when he stepped over his own shadow.

Loneliness was the feeling what attacked him in the dim light of the room. One would expect some kind of action from a setting like this but nothing happened. All Tenma did was sleeping soundlessly in the bed, sometimes rolling to his other side.

The only thing he wanted was just to see Tenma's eyes, to speak with him, hear his voice. Being in the same room with someone, who couldn't know about it was painful enough. Yet this was different on many levels. The pain was different.

This made Saryuu think about his possibilities. Not as a watcher, but as a human. Even if he never had a chance to have a childhood, he still had imagination and hadn't lacked common knowledge about his own situation. Alone in the same room with a defenceless person, whose life fascinated him on every level? Only a fool would not use this chance.

Fist only curiosity guided him, but in the end desire took him by the hand and from that day every little kiss he'd stolen was meaningful and held everything he felt towards Tenma.

He couldn't quite describe why. It was just a simple touch by their lips, yet it sent the most colourful feelings through his body. Happiness and regret accompanied by a curious, stinging pain in his chest what kept pulling him down like he had to carry a bag of rocks. Yet, his heart was still lighter than usually giving way to a never seen smile, from someone who was only smiling on the misfortune of others this was a big step forward and a completely new palette of feelings opened before him.

It soon became a habit. But only that. He never thought about anything romantic while he committed the strange ritual every night. Once again he was too clever to fall into a trap of emotions and the veil of this delusion protected him perfectly.

But everything has to end sometimes and once it was certain that none of the kids suffered any serious side effects, the whole project was shut down and his little visits came to their end. As he was standing next to Tenma's bed he started wondering if they boy was even at home, since he couldn't take out his feature in the moonless night, only after he stepped closer and his eyes got used to darkness.

Yes. He was there. The boy was sleeping on his side, what of course made it impossible for Saryuu to get what he wanted in the first place, and he had to be satisfied with a small kiss on the cheeks even if they had hardly any effect on his thirst.

"For a goodbye kiss this was really pathetic." he muttered under his breath and he was sure not even a bat could've heard his words. Yet, the sheets started moving on their own and by the time he realized Tenma was already facing him.

A feigned yawn and eye rubbing. This could only mean that Tenma didn't wake up for his voice, but rather, he was awake for the whole time and his whole mission proved to be a failure.

"A goodbye?" he sat up with a puzzled look, silently hoping that Saryuu would give him some explanation. His reaction was unnatural. Not questioning the presence of Saryuu, but the last sentence.

"I guess, yeah" Saryuu shrugged as if this was nothing. Like he didn't care at all. Too bad the truth was the opposite and deep in his heart he wanted to delay this moment with a few weeks.

"Are you never coming back then?" came the dumb question, not really surprising from Tenma. Understanding the concept and the weight of words was never his best ability.

"Goodbye is a goodbye."

"Any night could have been a goodbye then, yet you came back every time." Tenma said with a serious expression. Saryuu's eyes widened from the shock of realization. He prayed the answer will be no for his following question.

"Were you aware of my visits?"

Tenma seemed to be unsure at first, but he decided to be honest and nodded with his head, never taking away his gaze from Saryuu. The silver haired boy was paralyzed on the spot, so Tenma tried to explain himself out of the situation somehow, even if Saryuu was the one who'd needed to give him some sort of explanation.

"First, I thought it was just a dream, but then it happened every night, so… I got curious, stayed up and then you came again and… I'm sorry!"

So everything was over before it even started?

"It was my fault all the time yet you're the one who starts apologizing?" a painful and forced smile appeared on his face. He ruined everything, right? He sat down next to Tenma, burying his face into his hands. "I feel like an idiot now." he admitted.

"Really? But why? I don't think you did anything bad and even if you did there is nothing you can't change."

All this positivity…

"Just what the heck is wrong with you? You should be angry, throwing everything at me, yet you don't even care about it?!" he mumbled in an irritated tone, refusing even to look at Tenma.

"I care about it! I really do!" he tried touching Saryuu, to communicate with him like human beings do, but his hand was violently pushed away by the glowed one, while Saryuu tried to shook him off from his shoulder.

"Sure. I have to go now." he gabbled, not even looking at Tenma and in the next moment Saryuu was on his feet again.

"What? Why?! You only arrived a half hour ago…"

"Well, you're all right, I'm _still _all right, so my work here is done." he put his hands on his hip, trying to take up a confident pose, "Or you want me to cause trouble in the future, by staying at your side? Fine with me, but what about you? Would you take responsibility if something changed for the worse?" Tenma was about to say something when Saryuu continued, hateful smile appearing on his face "Of course not. You're just as selfish as everyone else in this world."

He wanted to see Tenma regret the sin Saryuu'd committed, but it seemed his attempt had no effect on Tenma. In reality he ruined this way back when he first visited him and now there was no way that his fake malice would find its audience in that room.

"Saru, I-"

"It's Saryuu." he corrected and successfully averted Tenma's mind from the question he was going to ask.

"Really?"

"Yeah. Really. SARU was just my codename at Feida. You wouldn't want anyone to blackmail you with your past. Especially in our time. With all the technology we have. But now it's safe to give out my personal information like this! All thanks to you! The hunting season will begin once my treatment will be over." he tried cutting Tenma with his words, face twisting into a strange smile. But from the look of it he was sure the boy's mind had wandered away from their topic and his words had found deaf ears-

"I like you real name better."

Or just stuck at the first sentence.

"It's okay." he shrugged. Now wasn't exactly the best time to talk about their names. He was now facing to Tenma and tried to put up his best glass-smile, but it was easily broken by the boy's helpless stare. They still haven't talked about his little visits, but Saryuu was sure Tenma had a thing or two for him, before he had to leave.

If he was asked, he would answer. There was no reason to keep quiet. Especially, when Saryuu seemed to know the name to this unknown, collective term for the sensation when his soul and body keeps shivering from the imagination-upsetting heat.

In the next moment the tides had been turned as Tenma came to a realization.

"Ahhhh! Wait! You got me distracted!" Tenma suddenly spoke jumping out of his bed, like a madman who suddenly understood the meaning of life. He grabbed Saryuu by the shoulder and kept him in one place with a solid grip. They weren't the same when it came to physical strength, but the touch seemed to have a paralyzing effect on him. "Because I wanted to thank you."

_What?_

"Thank you for visiting me. When things went wrong in daytime, I think you took my problems away with you. When I came home you were always here, so it was good coming home… Knowing that when everything around me is a terrible mess, I will meet someone at night who was… who was… "he started struggling with his words when tears forced their way to his face. "With someone who cares about me. I have to be strong. As captain, I have no other choices. But it's scary. Sometimes they don't even listen to me, like… like we weren't friends. Even Shindou… became distant. Soccer is about having fun… But right now no one is happy…"

Saryuu was at a loss. He had no idea how to deal with Tenma, let alone a crying Tenma. Fortunately his body knew what to do and his hands soon found their way to Tenma's back, pulling him closer.

"Everything is going to be all right" he whispered eventually, trying to comfort Tenma somehow. The words were terribly surreal coming from his own mouth. This wasn't his motto, after all. "What kind of weak ancestor you are? Clinging to your own grandson like this… Maybe I won't come back anymore, but this still doesn't mean I will forget about you."

"Really?"

"Uhm… Yeah. We might not live in the same time, but y-you could say… that I will be here in thought?" Embarrassing thoughts followed one another, but until it soothed Tenma he would bear his own shallowness. Or was he afraid of saying these words?

But Tenma was blushing so he said what should have been said. Or not? Saryuu started to get more and more confused. Again; was this a good or a bad sign?

"Then for one last time… could you…? I-I won't ask for more I swear!"

"Are you sure?" Saryuu asked him. He just hoped that warm feeling in his face wasn't the sign of weakness, because right now he was near fainting. This wasn't as easy when Tenma was wide awake, anticipating something from him and suddenly he got unsure about his actions, realizing how he broke the biggest taboo about time traveling. Not just once, but several times.

Yet he still obediently did what Tenma asked him to do.

A faint puff of breath brushed his lips when he started to inch closer to Tenma and in his embarrassment he desperately tried to find Tenma's hands with his own. The gloves were in the way but he still felt the warmth of Tenma's palms in his. The contact helped just like the spell of a magician and he could finally close the distance between their lips.

Tenma's lips, his smell, his touch seemed to wash away the barriers of time. Everything became the part of eternity, following the pace of his rabid heartbeats.

How could he even leave Tenma when he got attached to him in this painful way? This love was what destroyed, yet rebuilt him into the person he was now. Leaving his doppelgänger would destroy this fragile peace.

When they parted all he could do was to look at Tenma, while his hands were still unwittingly stroking Tenma's . Waiting for an answer or some kind of guide out of this newly found hell. But all he got was silence what made Saryuu avert his gaze when it became too much to bear.

"I really have to go now." he said giving one last hug to Tenma. "Good night and… Be strong."

For his surprise Tenma was smiling. Tears were still rolling down his face, but now a sincere smile joined to the picture.

"Yeah." he nodded "And Saryuu?"

"Hm?"

"Smile. Smile a lot. I want to see you smiling and happy." _Even if I can't meet you in the future._ he wanted to say "I know! Soccer! Soccer will surely help us remember each other don't you think?"

Tenma was back to his own self, trying to cheer him up like a hyperactive hamster and it seemed to work, because Tenma's attitude started to rub off on him.

"I can't promise anything, but I'll try." then he quickly added "I mean, for your sake."

"See? You're smiling already!"

"Really?" Saryuu couldn't help but a wry laugh escaped him. "Well, everything needs a beginning. But I have to go now."

"True… Well, take care, Saryuu."

"Bye!" He waved then left for his time, so Tenma couldn't see him collapsing on the floor between violent sobs. It was too much. These feelings were too much for him. He would've done anything to stay. To fight alongside Tenma and help in every way he can. He knew what will happen and wanted to prevent everything.

Yet he couldn't. It had to happen.

The only memory that kept him going forward was that short month he'd spent with visiting Tenma's place.

Even if no words of love were spoken. No confessions were made. He had to admit it was better this way. Their silence about this what made everything easier to bear.

Simply, because it was more special without those.

Both of them wanted to treasure something they could believe in, not something they can linger on until their final days. Otherwise this life would be dreary and meaningless. In their case the unspoken words of love were the gems in their treasure chest, hidden deep within their heart.

„_Du Doppelgänger! du bleicher Geselle!  
Was äffst du nach mein Liebesleid,  
Das mich gequält auf dieser Stelle,  
So manche Nacht, in alter Zeit?"_

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_**A/N:**__ Once again reviews and thoughts are highly appreciated. By reviews, I mean long or semi-long thoughts, not one or two words! I know beggars can't be choosers, but then again I would like to see that the fic'd found its way to you and you didn't comment because "OMG it's my ship" because it feels like you haven't even read the story itself. Sorry for leaving such long comment again, but it would really help me writing more, or more like, publishing more fics on this site in English. Even a four sentence long review would do it. But "cool" and "pls continue" are hardly the type of comments you would like to get after spending long long hours with writing and editing your fic. _

_This is a place where writers gather to share the pieces from their minds, not youtube._


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